April 1, 2009
As part of our endless quest to enlighten the ignorant and to generate global interest in Fairyanity, Opus Fae, with a sincerity lacking in all other religions, will always address spiritual matters in a manner accessible to the stupid.
Some of the tenets of the religions of the world are puzzling to devotees and lay people alike. In an occasionally recurring column, our enlightened team of Fairyologists will seek, with simple words, to similarly enlighten you.
One of the key debates, ignored by the priests and bishops of Christianity, Islam and the like, is centered around a simple question: Who is this God person, anyway? When one bears in mind the contradictions inherent in this being’s convoluted character, it is hardly surprising that people are confused.
Is God Omnipotent?
Obviously not. If he were, he wouldn’t need his followers to do his dirty work for him, like burning non-believers at the stake, flogging a teacher for allowing kids to name a Teddy bear after him, stoning adulterers to death and so on.
If it were God’s will that mindless atrocities should be visited upon his subjects and if he were, indeed, omnipotent, he would twat the bastards himself, rather than rely on earth-bound, bearded old deviants to do, or have done, the deeds for him. That God seems positively to ignore the “sins” of his flock suggests either that he doesn’t care or, if he does, he is powerless to either prevent the sin from happening or to punish its perpetrator.
Basically, if Allah was so Akbar, the bearded weirdos would have nothing to do.
That cruel and inhumane “punishments” are inflicted, by mortals upon mortals, as the reward for certain perceived transgressions suggests that either God is not all he’s cracked up to be or that the bearded, weirdo, self-nominated leaders of his organised religions are sadistic control freaks. It is more sensible to believe the former - that God is not actually omnipotent - since to lend credence to the latter would invite the wrath and judgment of his supposed representatives on earth.
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April 1, 2009
Parables, when all is said and done, are just extended metaphors, building houses upon rocks or sand and what-not. So, at the seminary, when learning how to be a spiritual leader in the catholic branch of the sky-beard-man faith, simile can often be overlooked. Which is why Scottish Cardinals make stupid fucking analogies comparing a brutal gun crime where innocent children were shot by a lone gunman, whose motives we will never truly know as he turned the gun on himself, to abortion. So we must show a little tolerance, he wasn’t trained in simile, he’s a geriatric virgin and he’s pretty used to being wrong about so many things that another piece of fucking ludicrous idiocy just slipped out.
Now the thing about abortions is - they are crap; horrid, confusing, depressing affairs where you’re scared that you are doing the wrong thing. Is this my only chance to have a kid? What would he/she be like? But could I bring them up properly if I change my mind? Are they a person or just a ball of cells? How different is it to murder? Could all my questions on abortion be answered by a man, who has never had sex, taking his cues from a book written fifteen centuries before pregnancy could be terminated voluntarily or prevented by contraception - and yet the book can give an edict without actually mentioning the predicted future ability to prevent conception.
You see nobody wants to have an abortion. It’s not something you’d write to Jimmy Savile for. Women would like to be pregnant at a time of their own choosing, but sadly that’s not always the case …
Of course she could just have the baby and be damned as a sponging single mother by, well if I was to draw a Venn diagram of pro-life/anti single mothers there’d be a bit of an overlap.
Now, and this is the big question, why might a woman get pregnant at a time not of her own choosing? Anyone? No, it’s not because she’s a whore and a sinner your eminence. Contraceptive failure? Bless your cotton socks, occasionally, yes, go on then. Or is it because a lot of the ability to say “no” or “no party hat no party” is about having the self-confidence, self belief and self respect to make a man wait? And forgive me for asking this but who has done the most to keep women downtrodden? Is it the religions by any chance? With their no jobs for the girls, don’t lie with her when she’s menstruating, we’d still be in the garden if it wasn’t for lasses messing things up approach?
And, and it’s a big and, probably worthy of and and if I could decide if there’s a comma between and and and, and and and wasn’t driving my spellchecker mental, what does the church say to the only decent alternative - masturbation? Well that’s wrong too apparently.
Opus Fae is the only pro-palmistry religion as shown by the 8th Palm Psalm On and On in Onanism. We’re not big on abortion per se, but see medical termination as a hell of a lot better than knitting needles up a backstreet or unwanted kids raised by indifferent parents.
We also more firmly than anything else believe in the right to turn around to a church and say “this piece of scripture was clearly written by a bloke, he should fuck off until he knows what he is talking about.”
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April 1, 2009
Fairies have, at the hands of Christian propaganda merchants, suffered a bad press for the past few hundred years. Christian motivation for these attacks has its roots in a desperate desire to shore up crumbling support in their own cult at the expense of another.
While these attacks have generally been laughable, certain incorrect ideas seem to have settled into the mortal psyche and it is the intention of this article to dismiss the most common of them.
1. Fairies tend flowers at the bottom of the garden.
Fairies couldn’t give a rats arse about flowers. Gardens are for fun-filled, sexual frolics, usually under the cover of darkness - and a Fairy’s idea of fun does not include prancing about with a pair of pinking shears.
2. Fairies are cute little things in frilly dresses and pointy shoes.
As may readily be seen from the images of real Fairies on this site, this is about as far from the truth as a mortal should stray without risking a fall off the edge of reality.
Fairies are sensual, hedonistic creatures who invariably appear to humans in a form that is recognisably alluring. Fairies seldom present wings to mortal view, since they are well aware of mankind’s inferiority complex.
3. Fairies appear to mortals as twinkly balls of light.
A Fairy can assume any appearance it desires but a twinkly ball of light is not one of them.
Twinkly balls of light are invariably the ignited flatulence of goblins, sprites and pixies.
4. Whenever someone refuses to believe in Fairies, a Fairy dies
This is part and parcel of Christianity’s attempt to portray Fairies as cute, little twinkly things who prance around in gardens, depositing dew on flowers and so on and is an attempt, by that “religion”, to devalue the most important beings in the universe, in the minds of gullible mortals, for their own, sordid ends.
Fairies don’t really care if humans believe in them. After all, it is no skin off their noses, since disbelieving mortals are merely denied access to The Magical Wood in the inevitable event of their demise.
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April 1, 2009
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, a popular incantation in the mainstream of religion. The Fae believe in an eye for the ladies and a tooth for 50p*.
The atheist community however believe the platitude religion has caused more death than anything in history. This is wrong as far more deaths have been caused by poor sanitation and malaria.
Sadly as we could actually do something about poor sanitation and malaria we sweep them under the carpet and pick on the religions we can do very little about, though to be fair most religions aren’t that bothered about malaria or sanitation either.
Faeries on the other hand can’t stand mosquitoes as they take up valuable air space. They also think drains are a good thing despite the fact they are full of goblins and giant albino alligators.
Although the Fae do have a fondness for the general electric minigun as used by Blane in Predator, they are not particularly keen on killing those who think or look differently. This is not just because killing all the non-believers would make it harder to pull but because killing anyone is a little bit wrong. Not that they are unopposed to evil and would definitely have pulled on Hitler’s jacket had he been in a sword-fight with Churchill like Tink did to Hook, but they kind of think of napalm, cluster bombs and nerve gas as somewhat unsporting.
Okay, you may say the Christians and Muslims have really grabbed hold of this holy war thing over the years, and the Jews are making up for lost time in the West Bank, and the Hindus aren’t lovely either, and the Sikhs produced probably the second best cavalry of all time and I know the Scientologists are just itching to get big enough to start a war on someone, probably doctors, and the Confucianists were pretty rough when they had their day in China, and the Aztecs and Druids don’t even bear thinking about but what about the Buddhists, aaaaahh?
Now I’m too lazy to Google something nasty that the Buddhists have done, apart from sending their monks to the old West to beat up cowboys, but if you can’t that makes them the only one, and even then their clergy is hard as nails but would never use it, but are not averse to letting some dickhead in a pub know some fancy spin-kicks. However if the Buddhists are right if you disagree with them you spend the next seven hundred lifetimes as an ant, which isn’t that charitable when you think about it.
The Fae’s stance on looking different is “Sorry you don’t have wings, they’re great” and if you think differently this is countered with a mild sense of superiority with a possibility of listening to and digesting your arguments followed by a mild sense of superiority and a cutting remark.
Not for the Fae the anonymous post of “You’re all going to Hell”, particularly as we don’t think we’re so fucking clever we can second guess the decision making process of a deity. Nope for the Fae, reasoned discussion is the key to conflict resolution and if you want to take this outside, just think about the Buddhists for a second. Not that the Fae know any martial arts but it does give us a bit of a headstart.
* Tooth prices may go down as well as up.
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April 1, 2009
In a cynical attempt to bolster its support among the usually-credulous masses, the Catholic Church has abolished the concept of Limbo, which has been a mainstay of that wacky religion’s dogma since the Middle Ages.
Limbo no longer part of Christianity
According to “Saint” Augustine, infants who die without “the medicine of baptism” may not enter “heaven” (c.f The Magical Wood), but must go to “hell” (a place of eternal, punishing fire, invented by the same religion) since they, as human beings, are party to “the original sin”.
In the later mediaeval period, the concept was modified in that, instead of going to “hell”, unbaptised infants were instead, merely eternally deprived of what “theologians” described as “the beatific vision” - a direct plagiarism of the Fairyantic concept that non-believers are merely denied access to The Magical Wood. This concept was crystalised in the term “limbo of infants” in about 1300.
This, as so many tactics of the Christian religion, was designed to scare the shit out of a gullible population in an attempt to force them into continuing acceptance of a ridiculous dogma.
Nowadays, as more and more people turn to the only sensible religion, Fairyanity (which extols the virtue of having a fun-filled, hedonistic, life) the Catholic Church has summarily abandoned a principal it has been forcing on the gullible masses for well over a thousand years.
Unbaptised children, now, apparently, go straight to “heaven” in the event of their untimely demise - again, lifted straight from the tenets of Fairyanity, in which all children get a complimentary ticket to The Magical Wood at birth.
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April 1, 2009
Oberon and Titania have enjoyed, in human terms, a complex relationship.
It began, as most things did, with Oberon.
One day, not necessarily in the past, since time has little meaning to Fairies, Oberon’s attention was attracted by a gorgeous, mortal female, with exceedlingy pert norks, whose name was Titania and who was married to an odd-job man called Joseph.
Oberon came to Titania during the night and, using techniques learned from the Tooth Fairy, He seduced and ravished Titania - who was, and remained, a virgin. She became pregnant.
In a twist of time that is only possible to, and comprehensible by, Fairies, the child in Titania’s womb was, in fact, Oberon. Joseph didn’t seem to mind. He was a simple man who understood little about procreation and was happy with Titania’s explanation that her condition was due to sitting on a dirty toilet seat.
In time, or not, the infant Oberon was born - a child of Titania and, of course, Oberon. He grew to be an adult Fairy, but assumed the appearance of a mortal man. In this guise, He allowed Himself to be killed in atonement for sins that had been committed, by mortals, against Himself.
Three days after, or perhaps before, his death, Oberon ascended to The Magical Wood to meet Himself and His mother, the virgin Titania who, by another strange quirk of time and Fairyantics, had herself become Fae and, also, sister to Oberon.
Oberon and Titania together form four parts of the Rulers of The Magical Wood.
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April 1, 2009
Believers.
Whilst on nightwatch at the bottom of my semi-detached shed, I unearthed an ancient scripture which could possibly, maybe, probably date from some time in the past. Whilst I would be more than the fool that I am to say that these are the words of a fairy, I would go as far to say that they are probably from an early expononent of Fairyanity, although one who did not understand its complexities, mainly due to not having the tinternet, and also as he was probably under the influence of some medieval mead, and believed he himself was Oberon.
However, whilst these words are slightly dated, they do send a warning to all on the powers of immoral women, ones that have been swayed by other faiths, and who do not believe. That may not be such a bad thing as my summary will, er, summise. Read on…
I pray, or whatever I’m supposed to do to Oberon that He gives you His understandings of this passage while reading this. Pray, or whatever you do yourselves as well.
1. My son, pay attention to my wisdom; lend your ear to my understanding,
2. that you may preserve discretion, and your lips may keep knowledge.
3. For the lips of an immoral woman drip honey, and her mouth is smoother than oil;
4. but in the end she is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword.
5. Her feet go down to death, her steps lay hold of hell.
6. Lest you ponder her path of life–her ways are unstable; you do not know them.
7. Therefore hear me now, my children, and do not depart from the words of my mouth.
8. Remove your way far from her, and do not go near the door of her house,
9. lest you give your honour to others, and your years to the cruel one;
10. lest aliens be filled with your wealth, and your labours go to the house of a foreigner
11. and you mourn at last, when your flesh and your body are consumed,
12. and say: “How I have hated instruction, and my heart despised correction!
13. I have not obeyed the voice of my teachers, nor inclined my ear to those who instructed me!
14. I was on the verge of total ruin, in the midst of the assembly and congregation.”
He then misses out a few and focuses on warning you about the immoral woman.
20. For why should you, my son, be enraptured by an immoral woman, and be embraced in the arms of a seductress?
21. For the ways of man are before the eyes of Oberon, and He ponders all his paths.
22. His own iniquities entrap the wicked man, and he is caught in the cords of his sin.
23. He shall die for lack of instruction, and in the greatness of his folly he shall go astray.
remember her lips drip honey, and her mouth is smoother than oil. she won’t seem so bad to you! You can avoid them by learning the meanings of God’s word.
So, from that we can see that this man was seriously deluded, especially as immoral women are possibly closer to Rapture than any of us. But, we should take these words, and use them as a guide towards Enlightenment, as they can be used as a map to the good stuff.
Flash Garden
Professor Emeritus of Fairyology
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April 1, 2009
Fairyanity is an evangelical creed. As we believe the Ancient Greek nymphs and dryads were an early form of Fairyology, we are also an Apollo Creed.
Being an evangelical, everyone’s-invited, kind of faith, we welcome any who wish to join us and you don’t need two thousand years of persecution, the right mum and a bit of your lad chopped off like some other religions. No treks to mystics on high mountains are required, Faeries are not particularly good at altitude or with frost on their wings.
Do not be fooled into thinking that wisdom must come from afar, for unlike students or Beatles, the message of Opus Fae can be found at the end of one’s garden. Those without gardens can try a window box, a local park or, if housebound, steal their children’s teeth. There are no complicated forms to fill in and no salesman will call. There is no need to spend 23 years learning Sanskrit and then translating Holy Scripture into Chinese and then transferring it home again, only for legend to tell that you couldn’t have managed this without the help of a talking monkey god that looked more like a fella with big sideburns …
No, ours is an inclusive, come as you are, bring a bottle, take your shoes off if you want I suppose but you don’t have to because frankly it’s a bit of a twattish thing to do, make yourself at home kind of faith. And like Islam all you need to join is to publicly express your desire to join, but unlike Islam we don’t really care about facial hair. Well, we do but we’re too polite to say anything to your stupid hairy, egg yolk caked face.
So say it proud “I do, I do believe in Faeries!” and you’re a member of the only faith that really likes punk. Plus Tink doesn’t stay dead - what more could you ask for?
Vits von Vits
PhD and Bar (Fairyology)
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April 1, 2009
Not all she seems
The true nature of the Tooth Fairy has been debated throughout the history of Fairyanity and the most popular, current, perception of her is that she performs two distinct functions - one of which is probably good.
As every child knows, it is the Tooth Fairy who comes at night and replaces teeth, which she finds under the child’s pillow, with a small sum of money. This has the effect of alleviating any trauma the child might have suffered, through losing a tooth, and, instead, engenders a sense of pride that he is discarding his childish self (in the form of the tooth) and acquiring the trappings of adult-hood (in the form of money and missing teeth).
However, it has long been suspected that this act of philantrhopy is merely a cover for an altogether darker purpose.
It has been believed, since medieval times, that the Tooth Fairy is actually a wicked goblin who takes the form of a beautiful, naked woman to seduce men. She draws energy from the men she seduces to sustain herself, often until the point of exhaustion, insanity or even death of the victim.
Night-time temptation
According to the Malleus Maleficarum, the Witches’ Hammer, the Tooth Fairy collects semen from the men she “sleeps” with, which Incubi then use to impregnate women. Children so begotten are known to be more susceptible to the influence of goblins and pixies.
According to some traditions, the Tooth Fairy would sometimes morph into the Incubus, with her newly-collected semen, ready to impregnate her victim - probably on the same night, in the same house. Research seems to bear this out as a possibility, in that many families have reported conceiving a child around the time that a sibling of the future infant lost a tooth.
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April 1, 2009
The reports of “fae” like creatures appearing to people go back centuries.
But a more recent phenomenon, the “fae dancer”, or “Fairy Dancer”, was unknown (or unreported) until as recently as the late nineteen fifties.
Some Fairyologists are sceptical about this branch of the Fae, but having witnessed the “dancers” myself on more than one occasion, I feel it is time to put the record straight!
It was a warm summer evening back in 1958, when another school chum and I decided to climb a tree on our local common, after sitting in its higher branches soaking in the scent of new mown grass and woodbines for an half an hour or so, Chalky said in an exited voice, “look at that” I said “what?” he pointed to a house 20 or so yards away, “up in the bedroom” he said breathlessly! I looked up to upper floor of the house and a vision met my eyes, it was the loveliest creature I had ever seen, silhouetted by a lamp behind her, she moved as if to a distant rhythm, standing proud & naked in front of the window, she cared not who saw her dance, brandishing a sort of talisman in her hand she mouthed words in a strange tongue …
The sighting came to an end suddenly when Chalky lost his balance and unexpectedly grabbed the back of my blazer, thus sending us both tumbling out of the tree and onto the (fortunately) soft pile of grass below, when we had sorted ourselves out, and looked back to the house again the “vision” had gone.
Although many years have passed since that day, the memory of that lovely creature swaying in abandon still comforts me when lying in the dark feeling for my youth.
With the advent of “flower power” in the 1960s more people started to develop “different” views on life, this coupled with the fashion for ladies to wear less clothing gave the “fae dancers” the opportunity to show themselves more often and without fear of appearing very different, even television shows began to show young ladies in various states of undress.
The “dancers” were quick to take advantage of this opportunity to “get out more” taking jobs as models, tv and movie starlets and yes, even dancers! It was rumoured that at one time, one of the “Top of the Pops” dance troupes had more fae members than human.
So in conclusion I must state that the Fae dancers were not only a reality in the past, but are indeed alive and (high) kicking today.
Lord Sherington
Duke of Argyles
Defender of the Fae
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